Confidence and Lack of It

Sometimes I feel pretty confident. I’m all upbeat, not so shy. Not worrying about much. Feeling great. Not afraid to be funny, not afraid to strike up conversations and I hold my head up high without thinking about it.

I like being that way. But far too often it will fade and I tend to look down a lot, unable to make eye contact with anyone. I just can’t seem to will my head up or to really talk.

Though I feel pretty good today, this issue has been on my mind for a few days now.

For example, recently I was on one of my up-days. I walked into the store on the corner to buy beer. I’ve been going to this store for years. I’ve gotten to know the owner and the owner has gotten to know me. And it was him at the register that day and I struck up a brief conversation as I was paying for my beer. About the scores of the Michigan game. I didn’t actually see the game that day, but I saw some highlights later and it showed that the score was 27-0, but I wasn’t sure if that was the final score or not and I didn’t see or hear what the final score was.

So, I asked the owner what the final score was and he told me it was 38-0. Anyway, the point is, that’s how I am on my up-days. More able to hold my head up, to talk to people, and not be so nervous. I wish I had more days like that, but it’s just not so.

Like a few days later, I’m at the store again and it’s the owner at the register again. But this time, for some reason, I’m all nervous and looking down, unable to will myself to look up and make eye contact, nor do I say much. I want to, but I’m just overwhelmed with anxiety.

There are far too many days like that. I hope I don’t come across as rude when I’m in that state.

Well, that’s just what was on my mind today.